Saw a new Irish movie this afternoon called The Guard about a cynical small-town cop in Ireland dealing with an international drug ring. Don Cheadle plays the American FBI agent who is constantly offended by Brendan Gleeson’s character. Our professor said he took an American friend to the movie and she was appalled by some of the humor. It is appalling, but it also got the audience laughing.
I’ve never been to a movie by myself, but this way I wasn’t embarrassing anyone by writing down the best (most offensive) quotes in the dark. They’re as accurate as writing in the dark can allow. Forget I’m a journalist for a second. Here they are.
“I’m Irish. Racism is part of my culture.”
“Now lads, not in front of the American.”
“Fuck off to America with your appropriate Barack Obama.”
“‘Good to go.’ Americanisms.”
“Got a little Fungie from the Dingle, did ya?” (This was a joke only the Irish would get and anyone who has visited the town of Dingle in County Kerry where there is a famous dolphin named Fungie. This was a joke about STDs. Haha!)
“Did you grow up in the projects?” Gleeson to Cheadle
“I thought black people couldn’t ski, or is that swimming?” Gleeson to Cheadle
“You know what Americans are like with their fucking ideals.”
“You (Americans) are always writing books about your experiences.”
That last one hit home. Three more days in Ireland!
These were from a class assignment. I’m recycling them for a blog post since I haven’t updated recently. I’ve been busy writing. Go figure.
1) What’s with parking on the sidewalks?
2) You guys like our president more than half of our own population does.
3) How is it that so many gorgeous Irish men have brown hair and blue eyes? Unfair.
4) The pennies are too small.
5) I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to military time.
6) Six weeks is so long.
7) Six weeks is going to fly. (Update: Only three weeks left!)
8) Where’s all the non-livestock wildlife? All I see here are seagulls.
9) Worst of American sitcoms + Irish commercials + Gaelic football = Irish TV
10) The tourist shops really embrace the whole wool sweater thing. I wonder what gimmicky souvenir tourists buy in America aside from “I Love NY” shirts.
11) “Surgery” is a misleading word for a doctor’s office.
12) Where is the legislation to increase European liquor portions at pubs?
13) I could never have lived on Blasket Island.
14) There really are tons of sheep with no apparent shephards. Not a metaphor.
15) The Irish love our crappy Top 40 music.
16) I love reading literature by Dublin writers and seeing references to the places I’ve actually visited. You don’t get that when you grow up in Ohio. Where is the Ohio literature scene?
17) All forms of treatment at the Royal Victoria Eye & Ear Hospital across from my apartment involve an eye patch. So many pirates walking around.
18) I love not tipping at pubs.
19) I love that you have as many names for rain as Eskimos do for snow.
20) The Guinness really does taste better here.
21) At home, people sometimes don’t catch my sarcasm, but here the deadpan Irish humor gets me every time.
Bonus: Everyone I’ve talked to about the weather has said that this much rain is not typical for an Irish summer. I don’t believe you!
Rode bikes in Phoenix Park for 5 Euro! Great weather for it.